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I've taken enough meds tonight to put a very large rhinoceros to sleep...and here I am awake, hoping I can sleep a little before noon. But also knowing I'm not sleeping for fear of dreams.

But, also, the nocturnal obsessions, the intrusive thoughts, that come far less frequently than they once did: all my unrealized futures (most importantly, lost paleontology); work I need to be doing, but it's not been done because my sleep and mood are off again; deadlines; books I need to write, and books I wish I'd never written; lost family and family I have not seen in years; lost friends, many lost to inexplicable and vicious acts of betrayal on their part – but lost all the same; memories of the nightmare of high school that come rising back as if they occurred yesterday; worries about Kathryn's security; money, money, money; my teeth, most of which are likely beyond saving; the fickle publishing industry; the limitations of my intellect; my odd species of agoraphobia and my come-and-go ability to socialize, Howard Hughes, shut-in most of the time; missed opportunities; lies I've told that can never be untold; someone who posted a five-star review on Amazon.com, but found 7/7/7 annoying, which, very sadly, means they missed the point completely, as 7/7/7 is the heart of the novel; and this goes on, and on, and on.

This is not a fucking cry for pity or commiseration. This is only me awake, talking. The fucked-up part is I'm doing it in public.

I've been watching the old "Godzilla" Kaiju late at night. Ishirô Honda Gojira (1954) and Sora no Daikaijū Radon (1956), and Motoyoshi Oda's Gojira no Gyakushū (1955), along with the South Korean "Godzilla" imitator, Kim Ki-duk's Taekoesu Yongary (1967). The whole "Godzilla" thing got pretty silly pretty fast, but the earliest films are very watchable, and I think Gojira deserves to be recognized as an important film. A shame it all deteriorated into such foolishness as Honda's Kingu Kongu Tai Gojira (1962) so very quickly. Anyway, I have an essay in this I might someday manage to write.

And I need to write something about Thomas Ligotti, and something else about Thomas Ligotti.

And, mostly, I need to fucking sleep.

Impossibly Awake,
Aunt Beast

Comments

( 12 comments — Have your say! )
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stillsostrange
Mar. 18th, 2012 03:38 pm (UTC)
who lies awake thinking about stuff as remote and dead as high school...

A friend of mine calls that the rosary of regret. I'm prone to it too.
thecoughlin
Mar. 18th, 2012 12:05 pm (UTC)
That is an incredibly hard row to hoe... not certain how you feel about canines but if you needed a distraction we do have a litter of 10 day old pups about an hour twenty minutes north - we could give you a pillow and put you in the box under the heat lamp with them...minimal human socializing required.
witchchild
Mar. 18th, 2012 01:00 pm (UTC)
I do hope you can find some sleep soon.
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xarx
Mar. 18th, 2012 03:36 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I hate those nights too. If I'm posting on lj at 3-6am, it is not a happy post.
stillsostrange
Mar. 18th, 2012 03:37 pm (UTC)
Have you watched the full trailer for Prometheus? It looks so very beautiful. It also reminds me a bit of my favorite SF of yours.
numisma
Mar. 18th, 2012 05:03 pm (UTC)
someone who posted a five-star review on Amazon.com, but found 7/7/7 annoying, which, very sadly, means they missed the point completely, as 7/7/7 is the heart of the novel

And one of the strongest chapters on its own. It has to be one of my favorite parts, now that I have finished.
pisceanblue
Mar. 18th, 2012 07:13 pm (UTC)
memories of the nightmare of high school that come rising back as if they occurred yesterday
As we are the same age (more or less), I find myself undergoing a variation of the same experience and I wonder if that is a factor of our chronology. I have recurring dreams of high school which are so vivid and intense they could be considered nightmare, save that they're merely tedious.
iterum
Mar. 18th, 2012 10:33 pm (UTC)
I ponder analogous things usually at what should be a relatively delightful time, when I have awakened on a morning that I can stay home and am trying but failing to fall back to sleep.
spank_an_elf
Mar. 19th, 2012 05:40 am (UTC)
Yeah, You are Right
Established authors can melt down in public. We tadpoles can't, but if we do, we suffer.

Go ahead, kick me in the fucking jaw for saying so. And melt down if you need to. We all need to even in public.

I just finished "Drowning Girl." Your words fucked me up for days. Yeah, your book was one of those "need to read" books.

There was one item on page 274 that freaked me out. I fear I don't understand or I do but I might be wrong which might not matter.

No matter what, you supplied a brilliant read.

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( 12 comments — Have your say! )

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