greygirlbeast (greygirlbeast) wrote,
greygirlbeast
greygirlbeast

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"But I would rather be alone, than pretend I feel alright."

1. This afternoon, Spooky said, "Asses, asses. We all fall down." And I said, "That's brilliant!" And she looked at me funny and told me, "I say it all the time." When I told her I'd never heard her say it, she looked at me funny again...

2. This occurs to me, as Spooky reads aloud (from what, it doesn't matter): I wish that more people who read would be less concerned with what they should think, and more concerned with what they do think, of any given book. Also, if you're determined to hate a book, don't waste your time reading it.

3. Today, we went to Warwick and saw a matinée screening of Duncan Jones' second film, Source Code. I was a great fan of Jones' Moon, and so had high expectations for this film, and I wasn't the least bit disappointed. It's very, very, very good. Wonderfully conceived and beautifully realized. Smart time-travel films are scarce (12 Monkeys, Donnie Darko, and Primer are among the good ones)...though, technically, well...Source Code turns out to be a little more complicated than that. Anyway, just see it, while it's still in theaters. Jones is one of the very few directors who can get sf right, and he needs to be seen. Also, Jake Gyllenhaal was quite good. Also also, this is the first film I've seen in a theater since we saw the Coen Bros. True Grit, months ago. I say, less work, please. More movies.

4. Volumes have been written on the subject of our society's "beauty myth," and also on its "cult of youth." And on how both work together and are highly detrimental to individuals and to our culture as a whole. And I've always thought I was smart enough that I'd stayed out of those traps, all the while falling into them. The last year or so has been a slow process of waking up to this fact. Almost all of us, to varying degrees, have been seduced into believing that young is better than old, and that we should allow human beauty to be defined by people who, as it happens, have a vested interest (often financial) in controlling the society's perception of what's beautiful and what isn't.

I'm being long-winded, and I didn't want to be, because this is actually all very simple. I know better. I do. And yet I've been so suckered into these idiotic notions, and have been so reluctant to turn loose of them that I've often made myself, and others, miserable. Just the past couple of days, kylecassidy has had to endure my insecurities, arising from my unwillingness to let go of idiotic and harmful beliefs. And, no. I'm not all better. There hasn't been a light shining down on me and harps and choirs of fucking angels. But I am trying. I've always hoped I could be honest and allow myself to age gracefully. I'm forty-six, and an illness has taken a toll the last few years, and there's no point in lying. It's a sad lie, and one I'm struggling to stop telling myself. I can say, well, I had an especial reason for being especially susceptible to all this shit, but, even if that's true, it's sort of irrelevant.

We each must decide what beauty is, and whether or not we are, and whether or not it matters if we are. Anyway, I've been so stressed out about the photoshoot at Harvard tomorrow that I asked Spooky to take some "honest" photos this evening. Not even any makeup. Just me.











Hubero has no doubts whatsoever about his beauty...

All photographs Copyright © 2011 by Kathryn A. Pollnac

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