?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

It's bright out there. Cold, but bright. And there's another storm on the way, as I'm sure at least half the country is aware. The snow should reach us by morning. I'm thinking of all those six-foot heaps made by the snowplows, and wondering how they'll look as seven- and eight-foot heaps. We have to get out of here this evening, before the weather starts deteriorating. I have a 7 p.m. (CaST) doctor's appointment, and we'll need to make it to the market.

---

Something happened yesterday that's never happened before. It's remarkable, I suppose, that it's never happened before, given I've been writing pretty much full-time now for nineteen years. I'm hesitant to even speak of it here. But given how this journal is meant to be an honest record of my experiences as a writer and author, I would feel dishonest leaving it out. Yesterday, first time ever, I found myself crying because of what I was writing. It came on very suddenly, and I had to stop and step away for awhile before finishing the scene. I know I was crying for Imp. There are other reasons, too, which I'm not going to spell out. But, later, I found myself thinking that this has to be the last novel of this sort I write, at least for the foreseeable future. It's too terrible and too personal. I find myself not wanting to let anyone see this one, ever. I felt that way a little with Daughter of Hounds, then even more so with The Red Tree. But it's never been this strong, the urge to lock the book away and not subject it to editors and reviewers and Amazon reader comments and people mouthing off on their blogs. It's just too personal, and I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. No one forces me to write these particular stories, to keep picking at these particular scabs. But, yeah. Last time. And then I'm going off to write YA, and tell wondrous stories, and they'll be dark, sure. They'll be true. But they sure as fuck won't be this. It sounds melodramatic, I know, but the truth is I'm making myself sicker, writing this novel, and it's not worth the toll it's taking.

It's okay if that didn't make much sense. Like Imp's story, it's mostly just for me.

At best, I'm halfway through the novel.

Yesterday, I wrote 2,106 words on Chapter 5, and finally reached the end of the longest chapter I've ever written.

--

Not much else to say about yesterday. We watched the new episode of Fringe, which, of course, was very good. Then we watched the first two episodes of Season Two of Spartacus. Gods, I'd forgotten how much I love this show. Sheer and utter fucking debauchery and depravity, unabashed, unapologetic. All fucking id, top to bottom. It's nowhere near as well written as was Deadwood, but I think it has much the same appeal for me. Later, we played a little WoW. I think I got to bed about 3:45 a.m. (CaST).

Gonna go now. Comments would be especially welcome today.

Comments

( 51 comments — Have your say! )
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>
myownpetard
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
*hug*
*another hug*
(Deleted comment)
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:32 pm (UTC)
I'll always support your work, whichever direction you decide to go.

One of my greatest fears is that people won't. And to some degree, they won't, and this will be, in part, about winning over a new reader base.

And all hail Spartacus! Hell, yes.

It just makes me smile.

Edited at 2011-01-31 04:34 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - scarletboi - Jan. 31st, 2011 04:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greygirlbeast - Jan. 31st, 2011 04:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
scarletboi
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:29 pm (UTC)
I do hope you find the YA books to be greener pastures. You deserve more safety and comfort than I think you tend to allow yourself. *hugs*
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:35 pm (UTC)
I do hope you find the YA books to be greener pastures.

My agent thinks it'll work out that way, and I'm trusting her.

Edited at 2011-01-31 04:35 pm (UTC)
kurtmulgrew
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:39 pm (UTC)
Tears are powerful little creatures.
You don't think people will understand but you keep writing because you hope some will? We understand at least.
Everyday I read what you say about how the story is progressing, I get more anxious to read it! Can't wait!

Edited at 2011-01-31 04:40 pm (UTC)
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:42 pm (UTC)

You don't think people will understand but you keep writing because you hope some will?

I wish that were the case, but it would be a lie to say it is.

I get more anxious to read it! Can't wait!

Thank you.
from_ashes
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:40 pm (UTC)
I, for one, appreciate the honesty that you pour into your books. It shows a love for what you do and a trust of your readers that many writers would not dare to show. So thank you!
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:43 pm (UTC)

It shows a love for what you do and a trust of your readers that many writers would not dare to show.

I think it may say more about my masochistic tendencies.
(no subject) - from_ashes - Jan. 31st, 2011 04:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 04:51 pm (UTC)

I think that it's true that the more open and amazing stories are often found in YA literature. They're more likely to seek to engender a sense of wonder and amazement, all around, while not insulting or even presupposing a certain amount of intelligence from the reader.

Yep.
mellawyrden
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:01 pm (UTC)
I will treasure it.
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:02 pm (UTC)

Thank you.
tsarina
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:10 pm (UTC)
I've had a feeling sort of like that, about a character and a story born out of an RPG I played for some time. It broke my heart. I saved the file and haven't touched it in years. It's hard.

I freaking love Spartacus. It's ridiculous and glorious and bloody and wonderful.
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:11 pm (UTC)

It's ridiculous and glorious and bloody and wonderful.

Exactly.

Also, nice icon.
sovay
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:35 pm (UTC)
And then I'm going off to write YA, and tell wondrous stories, and they'll be dark, sure. They'll be true. But they sure as fuck won't be this.

I don't know if it matters to say that I'll read it: I'm not who it's being written for. But I imagine it will be wondrous, too. And then I will read your YA with great delight.

I really need to see Spartacus. The first season sounded so over-the-top, I felt I had a moral obligation to.
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)

don't know if it matters to say that I'll read it: I'm not who it's being written for.

Well, but I also know you'll be among the minority who understands it.

And then I will read your YA with great delight.

I hope to take some measure of delight in writing it.

The first season sounded so over-the-top, I felt I had a moral obligation to.

I'm not sure the show even acknowledges there is a top.
(no subject) - sovay - Jan. 31st, 2011 05:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
ghostrunner7
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:48 pm (UTC)
I'm expecting your YA books to be easier. Easier on all of us, really, you and your readers. I know they'll still be your books with all the accompanying truth and pain, but I think they'll be easier.

I hope that's true. I think you deserve some 'easy'.

greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:51 pm (UTC)

I know they'll still be your books with all the accompanying truth and pain, but I think they'll be easier.

So long as they're easier to write, I'll be glad.
dipsomaniac
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:54 pm (UTC)
I'm an adult who enjoys reading YA stories as well as adult ones, so count me among your readers that will continue to read your books no matter the category. I'm really looking forward to reading Imp's story.
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 05:58 pm (UTC)

I'm an adult who enjoys reading YA stories as well as adult ones, so count me among your readers that will continue to read your books no matter the category.

It seems to me a lot of adult fantasy-readers are turning to YA. Partly, I think, it's a port in a storm, during this tempest of paranormal-romance crap.
(no subject) - jomacmouse - Feb. 1st, 2011 03:22 am (UTC) - Expand
miakodadreams
Jan. 31st, 2011 06:09 pm (UTC)
It sounds melodramatic, I know, but the truth is I'm making myself sicker, writing this novel, and it's not worth the toll it's taking.

Making yourself ill is indeed a high price to pay to tell a story, and I don't mean that dismissively. It sounds like these last few books have been a path of catharsis for you, though. If Daughter of Hounds and Red Tree have been building up to The Drowning Girl, maybe exposing these truths has become a necessary thing at this point — dragging the past into light and air so you can take one more step toward letting those scabs heal.

I hope that's the case. I hope this book accomplishes what it needs to do, and I know I'm not alone. We (your readers) are not all your personal friends (and that's a necessary thing, too). The ones who come here, though, who pre-order your books, and support you in other ways as they can, strangers and friends alike, they do worry about your health and happiness. Even on comment-quiet days.

And we will probably be the ones crying for Imp and for you when we read that scene, too.
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 07:33 pm (UTC)

It sounds like these last few books have been a path of catharsis for you, though. If Daughter of Hounds and Red Tree have been building up to The Drowning Girl, maybe exposing these truths has become a necessary thing at this point — dragging the past into light and air so you can take one more step toward letting those scabs heal.

OR...a somewhat less pleasant, but much more likely possibility...given the pressures my deadlines and finances have imposed...I'm falling back on a thing I know and can exploit repeatedly.

The ones who come here, though, who pre-order your books, and support you in other ways as they can, strangers and friends alike, they do worry about your health and happiness. Even on comment-quiet days.

And thank you.
(Deleted comment)
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 07:35 pm (UTC)


I think this is why The Drowning Girl is precisely the sort of novel you should be writing.


Unfortunately, I've come to this place where should, artistically, and should, in terms of my mental health, diverge.
(Deleted comment)
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 07:38 pm (UTC)

I will also pay no attention to all that bad advice I got from teachers. It occurs to me that "write what you know" can have many levels of meaning and doesn't have to be "write who you are," without reservation.

No, it certainly doesn't have to be. But that has always been the route I've chosen, and, too, I think you will find that no matter who much you try to keep who you are out, it'll leak in anyway. To b become a published author, you have to be willing to see your every weakness and blemish publicly laughed at and condemned and dismissed as self-indulgent whining.
seph_ski
Jan. 31st, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
You put so much of yourself into your writing that it has a very sacred feel to it, and I feel privileged to read your stories. I don't know what else to say except, thank you. In all sincerity, thank you.
greygirlbeast
Jan. 31st, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC)

I don't know what else to say except, thank you. In all sincerity, thank you.

And, with an odd since of reluctance that I would needs many hours to explain, I say you're welcome.
Page 1 of 2
<<[1] [2] >>
( 51 comments — Have your say! )