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" I wish to do more violence."

I do not want this journal to become a whining catalog of my physical infirmities. But when those infirmities have a direct bearing on my ability to think, to work, to sleep, to fucking write, the one concern overlaps the other. Things that I have always considered too personal to place in a public journal become central to my public endeavors. It has grown very confusing. What to say, what not to say. The worst seizure last night since October, probably, and it must have been about 3:30 or 4 ayem when it happened. Just hit like a jet plane landing inside my head, no warning, and then I was afraid to try to go to sleep. I was up until a little after six. The sound of the mockingbirds finally drove me to bed, and I slept through nightmares until about one, to wake feeling not the least bit rested. To wake feeling even more exhausted than when I fell asleep.

Seizure: "act of seizing," 1482, from seize (q.v.). Meaning "sudden attack of illness" is attested from 1779. Or, Epilepsy: 1578, from M.Fr. epilepsie, from L.L. epilepsia, from Gk. epilepsia "seizure," from epi- "upon" + lepsis "seizure," from leps-, future stem of lambanein "take hold of, grasp" (see analemma). Replaced the native name, falling sickness. Of course, my seizures are not exactly epilepsy, they're just pretty much indistinguishable from epileptic seizures.

More reading yesterday, more of the New England vampire book.

I do think, after looking over yesterday's comments, that I have resolved to make the protagonist of The Red Tree the same age as me, which will be -04 for most of the time I'll be writing the book. How far in the Pit has American publishing sunk when it's afraid of middle-aged and older characters? Afraid or simply disinterested. Whatever. I'll make the weird girl who lives in the attic of the house , the painter — who was going to me a man — a twenty-something. Maybe that'll make people happy. But I discovered, when I wrote "Salammbô Redux (2007)" last summer, that it was something I needed to do, writing older characters. So, there. Thank you for the comments yesterday. You tipped the scales.

Here's a cool little thing. Jeff VanderMeer writes about ghouls (and I get a mention, alongside HPL and Brian McNaughton), and there's a link to an article of the origin of HPL's ghouls (which are, more or less, my "Hounds of Cain"). Thank you, sovay, for bringing this to my attention.

Last night, a sort of half-hearted "Kid Night," we watched the last three episodes of the final season of Angel. Seasons Four and Five were really quite good. The series was just hitting its stride. Wesley's death and that final scene — marvelous, but it was a hard ending to take. And then we watched Battlestar Galactica, which was good, and gods, but I do adore Katie Sackoff. However, I think commercials really do this series grave harm. The suspense builds and is then deflated. I'll likely watch the whole series over on DVD when it's done. Later, some very frustrating Second Life, nothing to write home about.

I did not leave the house yesterday.

I'm going to go now and try to get some reading done.

Comments

( 18 comments — Have your say! )
lokilokust
Apr. 12th, 2008 08:02 pm (UTC)
i've always found it incredibly difficult to get across what it feels like to have seizures and also what it's like simply knowing they can happen pretty much whenever.
you have my sympathies.
greygirlbeast
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)

and also what it's like simply knowing they can happen pretty much whenever.

For me and Spooky both, I think this is the worst part.
(Deleted comment)
greygirlbeast
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)

I am, however, quite pleased with the direction Joss Whedon has taken Angel in the "After The Fall" series.

We're looking forward to reading it when the graphic novel is released in June.
kambriel
Apr. 12th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
Are the seizures something you're able to deal with on your own, or is it something you'd rather receive treatment for, but the lack of insurance keeps you from being able to do that?
greygirlbeast
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:44 pm (UTC)

Are the seizures something you're able to deal with on your own, or is it something you'd rather receive treatment for, but the lack of insurance keeps you from being able to do that?

I am being treated, but the treatment is rather minimal. What I can afford, having no insurance. That said, I loathe doctors and hospitals and would prefer to manage this myself, so long as I am able.
kambriel
Apr. 12th, 2008 11:22 pm (UTC)
I'm the same way, always preferring to deal with things myself if at all possible, and for me what I decide is "possible" tends to go pretty far over what other people might decide for themselves (especially those with good/any health insurance!).

Luckily for me, most of the time things can be managed with knowing physical limits and working within them (especially when it comes to things like fainting), but I'd imagine the seizures could be even more severe.
ex_kaz_maho
Apr. 12th, 2008 08:36 pm (UTC)
attic of the house... I did not leave the house yesterday.

Ha! Someone's been reading House of Leaves again. ;)
greygirlbeast
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:42 pm (UTC)

Ha! Someone's been reading House of Leaves again. ;)

See yesterday's entry.
corucia
Apr. 12th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC)
Commercials are why we gave up on all TV a few years ago. Anything worth watching is worth waiting for the season DVD set, and there isn't a lot we pick up, truthfully. We finished off the available Doctor Who sets and Torchwood recently, and last night got the first season of Battlestar.

By the way, the post you mention was by Matt Staggs, who's guest-blogging while Jeff VanderMeer's on vacation.

You might enjoy this:
http://www.planetary.org/blog/article/00001348/
greygirlbeast
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC)

By the way, the post you mention was by Matt Staggs, who's guest-blogging while Jeff VanderMeer's on vacation.

Whoops.
derekcfpegritz
Apr. 12th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
That's a damn fine article about Lovecraft's ghouls--which have always been among my favorite characters in his fiction. I need to get off my ass and finish my Lovecraftian criticism wiki over at Wetpaint so I can include this article.
chris_walsh
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
Better news, then: MOA sighted at Fred Meyer in Portland
Saw this, thought of you, Cait: today I saw Murder of Angels on the Fiction paperback shelves at the Hawthorne Fred Meyer during my weekend grocery shopping. (For those not Northwest-experienced, Fred Meyer is the big one-stop-shopping chain up here, kind of like a Super WalMart; Glen Phillips of Toad the Wet Sprocket wrote a song about the place.)

So MOA's in another visible place, and I bought a copy from there as a way of saying "thanks," plus I can pass the copy along to someone.

P.S. Is it bad that I want to say "MOA's not MIA"?
greygirlbeast
Apr. 12th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Better news, then: MOA sighted at Fred Meyer in Portland


P.S. Is it bad that I want to say "MOA's not MIA"?

Kind of funny, actually. Thanks for picking up a copy!
maudlinragdoll
Apr. 12th, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to hear that you've decided to ignore the bias toward younger characters that is so prevalent in much of publishing. After all, a good experience is a good experience whether one is 20 or 50 and so, a good story can be told without falling into the worship of youth. It's unfortunate that you should have to take such preferences into account when telling your own story. It's hard enough to maintain one's integrity to the narrative impulse without having to manipulate concepts into preconceived notions that readers might have. Good for you that you're working around those concerns! :)
from_ashes
Apr. 12th, 2008 10:47 pm (UTC)
I know that, I, personally, would love to read more books where the main character is a middle-aged woman, who isn't a desperate housewife or a Doctor Phil refugee. Believe it or not, such fiction is very difficult to come by.
curt_holman
Apr. 13th, 2008 12:30 am (UTC)
"I think commercials really do this series grave harm."

We don't have cable or TV or anything like that, so we'll be watching it with more limited commercial interruption on Hulu.
chris_walsh
Apr. 13th, 2008 09:09 pm (UTC)
OT: An "Alien" essay you'd likely appreciate
Submitted for your approval (and I think you will approve):

Your fellow writer and former Southerner Cherie Priest (on LJ as cmpriest; she lives in Seattle now) wrote an essay today on exactly why Ripley in Alien changed her perspective so hugely. Made me think of you.
reverendcrofoot
Apr. 14th, 2008 02:56 am (UTC)
See the thing with age is unless author says it directly it really hard to tell. I would have never guessed Dancy's age if you hadn't told me. Or the fact that Deacon was pretty close to being a child rapist with Sadie. (Okay that is a little far but...) Make her whatever age you want but just don't tell us how old she is... avoid it. It would be interesting to see the ages people guess.
( 18 comments — Have your say! )