Yesterday, I spent three hours "writing" and wrote only 252 words, crawling through what might be page four of Daughter of Hounds. This book just isn't beginning. There's something I don't know, or many, many things I don't know, that are preventing me from moving forward. In a lot of ways, beginnings can be the worst part of writing. Beginnings are where we begin to eliminate possibilities. Every page I write, I eliminate that much possibility. Anyway, I'm so disgusted with this that I'm not touching it again until Monday. Maybe two days just trying to think about the book will help me figure something out. And then I can kill possibility with more efficiency.
And I have this quote from December 27, 2002, when I was trying to begin Murder of Angels:
To stand, again, at the starting point, that steep drop off the edge down to nothing at all, nothing to catch me or break the fall until I make it. The beginning of the quest for The End. One of the most difficult things that I've had to reconcile myself to, as an author, is the way these quests have to continue, one after another, forever, until I die, because that's what writers do. There is no, "And then, having survived the trials of the journey, our hero arrives at last at the fabled The End and there she lives happily ever after." Because there is always another quest waiting. For all my forever. If I look at it that way, though, it can crush me. I have to try to keep my eyes on the next book, not the necessity of all the books that are waiting in my future. Just the next book. That's more than enough. And now it's time to make it start happening, no more excuses, no more back-patting, no more "yeah, but, really, there's been so much crap to deal with," nothing but getting down to the business of writing, taking the first step, falling and having faith I remember how to write the Very Soft Place at the bottom. That is what writers do. The rest of it, the rest of it is just the space in between.
There is also the Anne Sexton quote, which seems spot on: "All I am is the trick of words writing themselves."
I will do my best to find the beginning of Joey Lafaye today. There's little more than that to be said.
Last night, Byron came for dinner, and then we watched two episodes of Torchwood. I think I'm very off balance after the departure of the house guests, as it served to underscore the isolation I have inflicted upon myself the last couple or three years. Anyway, after Byron left, I was on Second Life for an hour or so, on Arrakis, trying (with no success at all) to hide from the Prime Actuality. And Spooky and I finished our drawn out re-reading Dune.
And that is really all that needs to be said of yesterday. A day to bury deep and then sow the ground with salt. Somehow, I have to at least try to make something more of today.