June 26th, 2012


On Fear and "Triggers"

Everything I have ever written could be distilled to these lyrics...

I'm scared of swimming in the sea;
Dark shapes moving under me.
Every fear I swallow makes me small.
Inconsequential things occur,
Alarms are triggered,
Memories stir.

It's not the way it has to be.

I'm afraid of what I do not know;
And I hate being undermined.
I'm afraid I can be devil man
And I'm scared to be divine.
Don't mess with me, my fuse is short.
Beneath this skin these fragments caught.

When I allow it to be,
There's no control over me.
I have my fears,
But they do not have me.

Walking through the undergrowth, to the house in the woods.
The deeper I go, the darker it gets.
I peer through the window,
Knock at the door,
And the monster I was
So afraid of
Lies curled up on the floor.
Is curled up on the floor just like a baby boy.

I cry until I laugh.

I'm afraid of being mothered,
With my balls shut in the pen.
I'm afraid of loving women,
And I'm scared of loving men.
Flashbacks coming in every night.
Don't tell me everything's alright.

When I allow it to be,
It has no control over me.
I own my fear,
so it doesn't own me.
~ Peter Gabriel, "Darkness"

"A shoal of nightstars hang fire in the nets."

Yeah, okay. This is...Tuesday. Got that one right. Tuesday on Earth. In 2012. Damn, I'm doing good this afternoon. Usually my chronometer is off by at least a year. Overcast out there, and 70˚F. Today, Mr. Hubero Padfoot Wu goes to the vet. Yes, kittens, there are things even worse than writing, and taking that cat to the vet is on the list.


Yesterday, I got a comp copy of Alabaster: Wolves #3, and it was pretty much my first look at the final comic. Wow. We done good. Comics Bulletin agrees, and gives the issue 5/5 stars. Read the review here. Next stop, #4 (which has the best cover of the bunch, says I).


Behind the cut is my ReaderCon 23 schedule, and this should be pretty close to the final schedule. Between Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon, I have sixteen programme items:

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Yesterday, I wrote 1,774 words on Fay Grimmer. And this book genuinely is grimmer than I'd expected it to be. I think it's headed towards, well, let's do the Hollywood high-concept pitch and say Labyrinth meets Kill Bill 2. A scene went somewhere yesterday I'd had no idea it would go, and that left me a little stunned. I begin to think this will be a more "serious" novel than its predecessor (no matter how over the top Fay Grimmer may remain). Honestly, it's not an idea I'm comfortable with. But I'm not going to force the book in this or that direction. Wild magic, remember?

After the writing, well, a sort of hilarity ensued. I had an appointment at Rockstar to a) have my lobes stretched up to the next gauge, from four to two and b) reinsert my labret. It's b) that is the source of the vaguely gruesome hilarity. Or "hilarity." About two ayem on Sunday, I realized it was missing. As in, not in my face. It was, in fact, nowhere to be found, though I was absolutely sure I'd felt it about six hours earlier. An extensive, hour-and-a-half search of the apartment began (Spooky was sleepy, and I got yelled at a lot, with dirty words). Nothing. Anywhere. It's a fairly large piece a jewelry, the fishtail style of labret that's kind of old school, that no one much uses anymore. But...not a sign. I even feared I'd somehow swallowed the thing. Wouldn't that have been fun.

And then! Spooky found it caught in her hair. Yes. Her hair. A couple of hours before I noticed it missing, I'd kissed her on the top of the head, and it had snagged, and had been yanked out, and, somehow, I'd not noticed a 3.5 cm. length of stainless steel being pulled out of my lower lip. Let's not even go there. So, we made an appointment on Sunday to have it reinserted on Monday. This story is actually a LOT more absurd than I have time to relate, but...condensed version. Billy, the dude who does my piercings, figured this was a piece of cake. The only reason, we figured, I hadn't been able to slide the labret back in (though I've done it in the past), was my lack of depth perception. Then he tries. And I'm cool with pain. Pain comes with the territory. But here there was unexpected pain that meant the jewelry was NOT going back through the hole. Billy said, "You gotta be kidding me." He asked again how long it had been out. Spooky told him. He tried two or three more times. There was some blood. And then he stopped. Apparently, in only a couple of days, a hole that's been open FOREVER sealed pretty much completely. These are my freaky healing super powers. Anyway, I go back in on Thursday evening to get a new hole for the labret. I'm still sort of amazed.

Hey, at least we got Mama Kim's Korean deliciousness for dinner.

Still Sort of Amazed,
Aunt Beast