greygirlbeast (greygirlbeast) wrote,

"I make a home inside the wind. Stars are burning in the west."

Another fine early summer day. We reached 88˚F, with a heat index of 91˚F. And then the thunderstorm came, though far less violent than yesterday's. Currently it's 71˚F.

So, I'm going to try something different. My "lockdown" began, as I have said, on Monday March 16th, and I have spent it behaving as if this is all some momentary inconvenience that will soon pass us by. There was still the anxiety and depression and all, but when it began I believed we were in for maybe a six-week quarantine*. And...this is not coming out at all like I heard it in my head, waiting for my dinnertime can of soup to heat. Basically, let's just say I'm gonna do better. Here in late May I do not see an end to the pandemic in sight, whether cities reopen or not, and I've got to stop sitting around worrying myself into an even earlier grave, and I've also got to stop using Covid-19 as an excuse not to fucking work. Or allowing it to prevent me from working. Or whatever. I've got to go back to being me. The me I was on March 15th. That me. The me who writes and does paleontology and all that. Not the me who sits here staring at the walls. Not the me who lives in fear. The me who spent all those years telling people to kill their fear. I can social distance and wash my hands and wear my masks and...all that. But I also have to be me.

I'm going to get Sirenia Digest #171 out in the next few days, then I'm going to work on Interstate Love Song (yes, really). And some paleo' writing and work more bullshit. I can't sit around waiting for science to find a treatment for Covid-19 before I allow myself to be a productive member of society again.

Okay, that was about 45% as articulate as what I meant to say, but it gets the point across.

Oh, and I have to eat more, shattered tooth or no shattered tooth.

From my daily Facebook posts: It's a hard way to learn a lesson that we sort of already knew. Sweden's death rate is 8.71/1 million people, actually worse than that in the United States (4.59/1 million). So maybe now people will shut up about Sweden. It didn't work.

Today...well...not much. A short walk. Only coffee for breakfast. Again. A documentary about the role a coal fire may have played in the sinking of the Titanic and another on the Mary Celeste. Oh, and I had my first cigarette since, I think, last summer. I'd have had it sooner, but I got this pack of Camels last month and then couldn't find my lighter. And didn't want to buy a new one. But I found it yesterday, in a kitchen drawer. Also, that new design for the Camels box is fucking bullshit and hopefully it will soon be history. Oh, and there was a really weird episode of RuPaul's Dray Race, with all the queens streaming from home.

That was today.

Aunt Beast

4:59 p.m.

* Lockdown was spectacularly poor word choice for "sheltering in place" and it never should have been associated with Covid-19. You do not comfort people by using prison jargon. It does not work. Like that herd immunity thing in Sweden. Also, quarantine is simply inaccurate. You don't quarantine well people to keep them from getting sick. I don't know that there was a good word for what we've had to do. "Sheltering in place" sounds stupid when you could just say "stay home," but we do love to make language a complete impediment to understanding, don't we?
Tags: anxiety, bad teeth, cigarettes, covid-19, depression, despair, distraction, documentaries, good tv, inside, interstate love long, kill your fear, outside, rupaul's drag race, sirenia late, strange days, sweden

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