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Entry No. 4,812

I hit a new post-election low point last night, and I posted this to Facebook:

I think that tonight I am at the lowest point I've been since election night. I cannot imagine a way forward. I'm more than half a century old, and never in my life has our country faced such a crisis. Ignorance, stupidity, prejudice, fear, greed, selfishness, and cynicism have won out. The lessons of the American Civil War, two world wars, the Holocaust, the Cold War, and the American Civil Rights Movement have been forgotten. We've allowed a grotesque billionaire clown to seize the highest office in the free world, and he's building an administration of monstrosities. This is not business as usual. This is not Nixon, Reagan, George Bush, or W. Bush. This is not normal. Across Europe and America, populism and fascism are again on the rise – and winning. And the truth is I don't have hope. This is so much bigger than so many seem to comprehend. Tonight, I am only afraid and exhausted and horrified.

And many people said many kind things. And I am truly grateful for that kindness. It makes me want to see more hope than I do, and fuck knows I need to see more hope. But, to paraphrase Anne Sexton and to directly quote my Grandfather Ramey, needing ain't getting. I do not feel better today. I'm tired, I can't sleep, I'm very not well, and I've been struggling with writer's block for over a year. And now Trump, and all my personal problems pale into insignificance by comparison. What the fuck does it matter that I can't get a novel written when Russia has helped a Bananarepublican despot seize control of the American presidency? What does it matter that my addiction has been getting the best of me for four years? What the fuck does it matter that I'm all but crippled by bipolar disorder and OCD and by schizophreniform blah blah blah psychobabble bullshit and by homesickness for a place that doesn't ever want me to come home, or that I can no longer stand up very long, even with my cane? That I cannot imagine making it through another New England winter? And so on. These are rhetorical questions. At least, to me they are.

But thank you. Thank you all.

Maybe I should thank Trump for murdering the last vestiges of my self pity.

It feels a like a coup, but the way Uber feels like a cab company. Neither is either, legally. ~ William Gibson, on Trump's election (via Twitter, today)

Today, it's 47˚F and overcast again. As the Police said, "That's my soul up there."

Aunt Beast


( 6 comments — Have your say! )
Nov. 25th, 2016 06:10 pm (UTC)
The word "hope" was in my mind yesterday, too, as I was thinking about the people who voted for Obama who turned around and voted for Trump. I thought, they tried hope and when they didn't get rich, they had stupidity to turn them to dull viciousness as an alternative. As I think about all the factors that tipped the scales in the election, every one of them--the fed up, out of work people in Michigan and Wisconsin, the people who believed Russian propaganda on Facebook, Comey's stunt with the e-mail--all of these things require a level of stupidity to work, or, to put it more charitably, a lack of proper education.
Francine Hibiscus Rossi
Nov. 25th, 2016 07:18 pm (UTC)
My motto, right next to "I'm not sorry", is "Hope kills slowly". Vague hope is pointless without action.

I am almost 54, and I keep thinking about that phrase "a shadow of their former self". How did I get so...deteriorated? Did I let this happen, or was I too busy struggling with depression and medication and disappointment to even care?

I wonder a lot about what I might have accomplished. Then I look back at what I *did* manage, and it's not so ramshackle.

Chop wood, carry water.
Nov. 25th, 2016 08:52 pm (UTC)
Dear Santa,

Please bring me a new President.

Kiki Lang
Nov. 25th, 2016 10:17 pm (UTC)
Just counting backwards,
Couldn't sleep last night. I heard this interview with an Russian author. She described the fascist take-over of her country. At first everyone is happy he lunatic backs down,a little from his rants. Then they start cracking down on the criminal, and they work their way up. She left Russia four years ago, just to protect her kids, now all her friends are dead. She is trying to find another country, but where? She telling people to liquidate your assets, and become an illegal in another country. She said you live in fear of deported everyday, but at least your not dead. I need pharmaceuticals, not functioning.
Nov. 25th, 2016 10:50 pm (UTC)
Maybe I should thank Trump for murdering the last vestiges of my self pity.

The election hasn't done anything for my suicidal ideation, but it has made me feel that it would be almost criminally irresponsible of me to kill myself, because I need to be here fighting. So that's been interesting.
Nov. 26th, 2016 04:33 am (UTC)
Trump's rise to power makes me think of Han Solo: "I have a bad feeling about this." Yup.

This is where all the cutbacks to education and social programs that improve people's lives have gotten us.

I've seen on the Internet some people are referring to Trump as "Agent Orange." That's pretty accurate ... a slow, deadly poison.
( 6 comments — Have your say! )