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I got your trigger right here.

This is going to be short. I just want to get something down, and then I can go back to trying to wake up. It's a sunny day here, a deceptively sunny day. You might almost believe the sun out there is at least a tiny bit warm. Warmish, at least. But no. It's only 46˚F. This mood I'm in, I need 85˚F.

I might have slept five hours.

And there's pain behind my eyes.

For weeks now my saliva hasn't tasted right? What the fuck is that about? Life beyond fifty has become a cascade of physiological blowouts and slow-mo car crashes. I'm watching my disintegration, one ounce of dignity and comfort at a time.

Once upon a time, just before I turned forty, I swore I'd commit suicide on my fiftieth birthday. And I very nearly did. And now, I see I have missed that opportunity. It's not that I had a change of heart. It's just that I lack the resolve.

Yesterday was my kid sister's fiftieth birthday.

Today, this room is not where I need to be.

Aunt Beast

Note: Before anyone freaks out about anything I've written here, stop and take a breath. And remember, it's my job to tell the truth. The moment I stop, I'm worthless.


( 5 comments — Have your say! )
Feb. 22nd, 2016 07:45 pm (UTC)
It's 31˚F (wind chill 27˚F) and deceptively sunny in Maine, too, and I love you. I wish that were enough to help.
Feb. 22nd, 2016 09:02 pm (UTC)
I got your trigger right here.

Amen to that.

They should be worn like a badge of honor, all "nobody puts Trigger in a corner" and whatnot.
Eric Cantwell
Feb. 22nd, 2016 11:43 pm (UTC)
When I'm depressed I always think of how I don't have it as bad as Marilyn Monroe. Not that I'm a Marilyn fan, but after I watched a documentary on her bizarre life and family situation, I felt better about mine.

Also, good antique stores and thrift stores always seem to help me. These kinds of places offer perspective on time and place.

As far as your saliva goes, you might want to have your blood sugar checked when you get a chance. High blood sugar often causes people to have a metallic taste in their mouth.
Jessica E. Fleet
Feb. 23rd, 2016 03:54 am (UTC)
When the baby turns 50.
Don't freak out, because it's a full moon.
Feb. 23rd, 2016 11:09 am (UTC)
Addiction, depression, not enough sleep, resolution, sobriety, suicide.

Me too. All that. I teeter on the edge sometimes. 52 years old.

What keeps me going is wanting to see how the movie ends.

The young people with courage and integrity that see what's wrong with the world and are trying to change it.

The octogenarian catholic priest who listened to my AA 5th step - still doing interesting, rewarding and useful things - 30 years older than me.

The possibility that I will be able to turn enough of this around to have a life I enjoy. I've done a lot of research, and now I'm slowly doing the work.

I hope you survive to get your ass out of Providence. I hope you try, even if you have to do something like GoFundMe.

Edited at 2016-02-23 11:09 am (UTC)
( 5 comments — Have your say! )