greygirlbeast (greygirlbeast) wrote,
greygirlbeast
greygirlbeast

"Peel back the mountains, peel back the sky."

It would be very difficult to explain yesterday, so I shall not try. A small description will have to suffice. Thinking that, perhaps, I'd be better off Out There than I would be In Here we left the house and headed west, through western Rhode Island and into northeastern Connecticut. Well, there is some explanation in that sentence, I suppose, just not very much. I'm not sure how far west Kathryn drove. Farther out along West 101/44 West than we'd ever gone before, well past Ashford. You go far enough inland, there are hill to help hold up the sky, and the sky begins to lose that loathsome blue it has so near to the sea as is Providence. The trees begin to close in about the highway, and I can almost pretend I am back in Alabama. The trees are still not as tall, and the forests are not quite as lush, as Kathryn noted, but still a bit of a comfort. Unfortunately, it was too little too late, and the confinement of the van cancelled out any alleviation of my anxiety that the landscape might have offered. I wish I'd packed a bag with my meds; we'd have just kept going and found a room somewhere out there, past Hartford, maybe. On the way back, by the time we reached Pomfret, the sky was wide and carnivorous again, pressing too near and too heavily upon the earth. Storm clouds that had, earlier, given some relief had all moved on to the south, and I climbed in the back and slept until we got back home. With my eyes closed, I couldn't see the sky or the wrongness of the quality of light, coming, as it does this far north, too weak and from the wrong angle. After six years, I've not yet grown accustomed to the New England sun. We had both cameras with us, but we didn't take a single photograph; there was nothing I wanted to remember. 7/7/7 country.

There was no joy in the brilliance of sunshine. ~ Joseph Conrad (1902)

Read the scene where gravity is pulling me around.
Shift the swaying river's shift,
Oceans fall and mountains drift.
It's a Man Ray kind of sky.
Let me show you what I can do with it.
Time and distance are out of place here.
~ R.E.M. (1985)

I don’t like this place. Everything grows in the wrong direction. ~ Rustin Cohle (2014)

There isn't much else to say about yesterday. It was a sad waste of time and gasoline.

After dinner, we watched Richard Linklater's hilarious and excellent Bernie (2011) and then Lee Daniels' also excellent, and very dark, The Paperboy (2012). There is some dim solace in film. And then I slept and dreamed and woke shivering. No one should wake shivering from the cold on a mid-June morning, especially when there's not even an air conditioner running in the house.

My Lamictal dose went up to 75mg. today, still below "treatment dose," but I hope to feel some relief soon. Soonish. Soon is a pretty vague and relative word.

Today I need to try and begin a short story for Sirenia Digest #101.

Untethered and Drifting,
Aunt Beast
Tags: anxiety, connecticut, good movies, green autumn, insanity, joseph conrad, outside, pills for ills, r.e.m., the drowning girl, the wide carnivorous sky, true detective, wasted days
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