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"Into my arms, oh Lord."

In the chaos, the Sturm und Drang, the anger and depression and resignation, the scramble and desperation, the sheer wall of stupefying bullshit that has ensued since Sunday night, I've found myself with little energy left over for the blog. And it's a shame, as April 14th does, truly, mark it's conclusion as a day-to-day journal. Hence, no entry yesterday or the day before. Anyway, I'm gonna spend half an hour or so on a quick and entirely insufficient synopsis:

1. Yesterday, we drove up towards Boston, to Mount Auburn Cemetery, which is, technically, in Watertown and Cambridge. Research for the final chapter of Cherry Bomb. Scouting locations, as I think of that sort of work. We were met there by sovay, whom I'd somehow managed not to see, face to face, since Readercon 23 in July 2012. The day was just warm enough to feel decent. The sky was overcast when we left Providence, but it cleared just about the time we arrived in the Boston area. There was a great deal of traffic chaos, because the funeral of Lt. Edward Walsh, the 43-year-old firefighter who lost his life in last week's nine-alarm fire in Back Bay. More than 10,000 firefighters from around the country, and bagpipers everywhere. We spent a couple of hours in the cemetery, climbing hills, getting our shoes muddy, reading names. Spooky found an owl pellet. I have many wonderful photographs, but I don't have time to edit and post them just now. Maybe tomorrow. We were back home by about 7 p.m., and there were gyros for dinner. It was a good day.

2. Beginning Tuesday, I've started posting photos on Facebook * of the Me of Then, pre-1990, trying to fill in my missing past. My thanks to everyone who has been supportive of what must seem like a peculiar undertaking, indeed. But, when I transitioned, the attitude of many people whom I looked to for advice was to bury my past. And I did, to the point that much was lost. It was idiotic advice, though, and two and a half decades later I'm putting it back together. Transgender people should not ever be made to feel as if they have to erase who they once were to validate who they will become. I'm sick of regret, and the me of then is not a threat to the me of now. Any "threat" was always a lie. Anyway, if you're interested, have a look. My account is private, to keep out the trolls, so you'll have to request that I befriend you. I might eventually post some of the photos here. Currently, there's one from 1982, one from 1983, and one from 1989.

3. The days are warmer. High fifties, maybe low sixties Fahrenheit. There will be a ten-degree dip tomorrow, but then we're promised the warmth will be right back. A shame I'm mostly having to waste it in this room at this fucking computer. I had a plan to flee to Alabama and my mother's spare room for a week or two, where I could edit Beneath the Oil-Dark Sea in greater comfort. Now, those plans have been shelved for at least a week or two.

4. On Saturday, we made a matinée of Wes Anderson's Grand Budapest Hotel at the Avon, and it was splendid, though I think I need to see it again to say anything of substance; there were distractions from my unquiet mind. Other viewing: Disney's Frozen (2013) is a joy. I hadn't expected to like it. There have been "comfort movies" like Cameron's Avatar and Scott's Prometheus. We saw Despicable Me 2, and it was thoroughly disappointing. I saw Milos Forman's Ragtime (1981, adapted from E.L. Doctorow's novel) for the first time, and I found it most notable for Randy Newman's wonderful score (his first). A lot of TV, too, but I'll talk on that some other time.

Enough for now. Spooky will be back shortly with Korean food, and after dinner I have to get back to work.

Move Along.
Aunt Beast

* I don't want to hear any shit about how you're too cool for Facebook. Okay? Keep it to yourself. You don't wanna have a Facebook account? I ain't making you.

Comments

( 11 comments — Have your say! )
sovay
Apr. 4th, 2014 12:02 am (UTC)
We were met there by sovay, whom I'd somehow managed not to see, face to face, since Readercon 23 in July 2012.

It was absolutely wonderful to see you. I'm looking forward to the photographs. And seeing you sometime when there isn't this deadline on.

It's also pretty neat meeting the you of 1982, 1983, and 1989.
martianmooncrab
Apr. 4th, 2014 01:48 am (UTC)
Despicable Me 2, and it was thoroughly disappointing.

I found that the Evil Purple Minions were fun. But then, evil, purple and minions are among my favorite words too..
whiskeychick
Apr. 4th, 2014 01:59 am (UTC)
Your view on the past gave me delight to read. I have a couple of transgender friends that I knew/know before, during, and after their transition. It always troubled me that they wanted to erase their past -- on the advice of so many, too. I loved you then; I love you now. It doesn't change. Everyone evolves as they grow. Obviously a transgender individual has a more dramatic evolution (although that word seems inadequate...I'm probably stepping all over people's sensitivities here and I don't mean to, honestly). I almost want to say trans-volution. Is that a word? Maybe it should be. Regardless, I do believe that what happened then is what makes us the cool and interesting people we are today. Do I think my transgender friends are happier now? Fuck, yeah. But, I still love to see the photos of us when we were stupid neophytes in the world trying to figure it all out. It gave me a bit of sadness that they didn't share those happy thoughts viewing the same photo.

I haven't seen Frozen yet, nor Grand Budapest Hotel. The later was on my "to see" list. But, Frozen, not so much. However, given that our film tastes seem to align often, I'll have to maybe take an opportunity to view Frozen.

I'm so jealous you guys have good Korean food around you. I have to go deep into the city to find it and then I find I can do a better job of it myself.


Edited at 2014-04-04 02:00 am (UTC)
Musically Speaking
Apr. 4th, 2014 02:44 am (UTC)
"keep out the trolls"
While I have no way of knowing just how you decided to accept my friend request, I found myself, uncharacteristically, excited and happy that you had done so. It has been a positive experience for me so far. I have often wondered, given that the internet is sketchy as fuck, and so is fandom for that matter, how to interact with a 'virtual' friend in a manner that is meaningful, or, in other words, how to avoid being a troll. So, I experienced a momentary relief when I realized I'd made it under your troll radar. It was fleeting as I have noted some troll-like behavior among your other 'friends'. Your IQ is likely higher than mine (no one has been able to measure it by the conventional methodology and I have no idea what that says about my brain), but... I am thinking the troll filter may be faulty. That said, I am very pleased to see the photos and the positive response. I am virtually tipping my hat to you right now.
corucia
Apr. 4th, 2014 03:25 am (UTC)

Catherine and I saw The Grand Budapest Hotel a week or so ago as the centerpiece of our micro-Spring Break. It's exactly the motion picture one might expect to result when someone films a woman's remembrances of the highlights of a favorite author's book, which recounts his recollections of a story, told to him over an evening's dinner conversation, that relates events which occurred in the old narrator's prime of life. All the rough edges smoothed off of the narration, all of the highlights punched up, and the need for relevance and accurate recountings thrown out the window in deference to the desire to tell a good story. Seamless, and of a whole. Wonderful.
esanko
Apr. 4th, 2014 05:40 am (UTC)
1- What will I do without your LJ entries? AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggk. You are a fascinating person and it has been an honor and a privilege to share your thoughts. Fuck yes. Wow, you are an actual real person! Fascinating...

2-Wait, you're Trans? Ok, I knew that, but I did not for quite a while. LJ. Whether you meant to or even wanted to you woke me a little. I have always been, since I was, oh, 9, open to an alternative view of sexual identity- aarr, what I'm trying to say is thanks for sharing, you are a brave person. Thank you for being you. We- I- the unknown troll reader applaud and love you for your candor, wit, razor-sharp intellect, utterly fucking odd writing, and total disdain for convention. Milady...

3- Please, if you can remember cool if not all good, shoot me an email of your painted Tylosaurus sculpt. Would like to see your vision of this beast.

4- I am reading the best horror novel in years... since The Ruins by Scott Smith. Oh, The Ritual. You may disagree. Anyways total nastiness- The Troop by Nick Cutter. Serious, fucking not-right-in-the-head nastiness. Two words- MUTANT TAPEWORM. I like it all. Serious literature and mythology and symbolism and free-form poetry and MUTANT TAPEWORMS. There is anal extrusion.
cliffs_end
Apr. 4th, 2014 06:37 am (UTC)
The photographs you have been sharing on your Facebook have been enlightening, not because of gender but because of happiness. They have made me adjust the idea of you that I had constructed from your online journals and your fiction quite considerably. In that picture of you excavating near Eutaw you look so happy, I almost felt relieved for you. It was a timely reminder that unhappiness can perhaps be written about with more facility (and is more voyeuristically interesting) than happiness, and that - however bleak things can be - they aren't always that way. Thanks for sharing.
pisceanblue
Apr. 4th, 2014 05:04 pm (UTC)
FB friend request sent - I have a "shadow" account so it will seem vague but hopefully the Floydian reference will make sense. And thank you, as always, for sharing those pieces of yourself with us.
jadakath
Apr. 4th, 2014 08:22 pm (UTC)
- I was wondering about the FB photos, and am delighted that you feel like reclaiming your past.
- We had some good times 'back then' and did some amazing things just because we didn't know we "couldn't", I think.
- I am amazed that you have so many old photos, too!
- I appreciate that through you I have 'met' Sovay and Musically Speaking and others: LJ and FB have been good for that.
- Budapest Hotel was FABULOUS and Frozen is going on my watch list for right after the Game of Thrones marathon catch-up and Sunday night season-4 start.
sfmarty
Apr. 4th, 2014 09:25 pm (UTC)
facebook
Been lurking on Facebook for a while now. Hope you will friend me.

Notice that Rituals was mentioned. Is that the book my friend Roz Kavney wrote? My son published it.
rai_ryu
Apr. 5th, 2014 04:53 am (UTC)
I thought that I was sort of strange, that I didn't delete all the photos of my pre-transition self after I transitioned. It's no secret that I'm trans, so I guess I didn't care to hide them. That was me back then, and I'm still me now.
Interestingly enough, 1990 is the year that I was born.
( 11 comments — Have your say! )