?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

very tired

It's snowing outside. Just flurries, nothing that will stick, a few sizable flakes. But Jesus. It's March first. In Atlanta. I've had enough of this crap.

And here's that sickness I spoke of. Not the sniffles, the other thing: I do not feel well this morning. I don't feel sick, I just don't feel well, either. Sort of the way that an absence of war is not peace, peace being a positive state in and unto itself (like war). Wellness is not a negative state, not merely the absence of sickness. So what's in between? That's the sickness I mean. It's very much in evidence this morning.

I've been considering, for about a month now, ending this journal. After all, its stated purpose was to chronicle the writing of Low Red Moon, a book I finished long ago. I suppose the release of the Subterranean Press edition means that chapter of my writing career is probably closed. I said I wanted to show my readers what it was like for me to write a novel. Done, repeatedly. Truthfully, I'm considering ditching all web presence except my work on Nebari.net. I could just write my books and stories and send them out into the world to sink or swim.

It's not that I haven't enjoyed your company, because I have (well, most of you), just that I fear part of this sickness arises from all the time I spend online, all the silly fretting over what people think of me and my writing. And it's a lot of time. A fearful lot. I spend, on average, one hour each day writing and posting my journal entries. That's a minimum of seven hours a week. And, since I often take as long as two hours, the actual number of hours per week is much higher. And that doesn't figure in the time I spend reading other people's journals. Five hours a day is probably closer to the truth. But let's go with the minimum. At one hour per day, that's about 28 hours a month, 1,540 hours a year. That's frelling insane, even that number which I know to be a gross underestimation, when I have so much to write.

At some point, this journal stopped being about writing and promoting my books and became an end unto itself, an end I don't need. But this isn't a done deal. I've not yet decided. I just thought you guys deserved to know that there's a possibility it may wrap. I just need to think about it some more.

I've been feeling especially bad for Alan Alda. How's that for weird? He was so good in The Aviator, and I thought, it would be so frelling cool to see Hawkeye win an Oscar. But it went to Morgan Freeman, instead. And Morgan's cool and deserving, but it felt too much like last year, when Bill Murray didn't win.

My brief essay on Skin has been sent away to England.

Perhaps I can bring myself to work on a new vignette for Frog Toes and Tentacles today. I hope so.

Please have a look at the eBay auctions. Note that we have copies of Murder of Angels.

Comments

( 32 comments — Have your say! )
marlowe1
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:14 pm (UTC)
I don't know. I like this journal. I can see what you mean about it distracting you from writing and if that's the case drop it but I hope you can keep the journal and the writing going.

If all else fails - here's some surrealism --
stardustgirl
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:33 pm (UTC)
I understand totally. I've not been over at the Phorum much of late because I'm trying to limit my own online time. I hate that every hour I spend doing ebay crap is an hour I don't work on a piece of art, but unfortunately I am stuck with that for both financial and other reasons. I will be glad when that stops.

Would scaling back help? While reading a daily entry from you is always nice, maybe just popping in when you feel you have time to do so, and disappearing when you don't, would work for you?
greygirlbeast
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
Would scaling back help? While reading a daily entry from you is always nice, maybe just popping in when you feel you have time to do so, and disappearing when you don't, would work for you?

It's a possibility that I'm considering. Maybe one post a week, or even only one a month. Just little update thingys, maybe. That wouldn't suck more than maybe two or three hours a month.
bosstweed
Mar. 1st, 2005 04:44 pm (UTC)
If you chose to end your journal, I think most people would understand. You literally do have more important things to do and that giant sucking sound you hear coming from the computer is your writing time disappearing into thin air. I agree with the person who suggested reduced journaling time as a possible answer, if that works for you.

It's been wonderful to read your journal, and for two reasons in particular. First, it introduced me to your work, which I'd always planned on getting to and never had. This caused me to read Threshold, for which I'm grateful. Next up, Low Red Moon. (Admittedly, it's part of a rather large pile of to-be-read material, but its day will come.)

Second, it's inspiring to see a writer talking at length about why writing is difficult and sometimes nothing gets written in a day. I have often talked with my writing friends about the value of reading professional writers' journals/blogs, especially given the widely-circulated myth that All Writers Must Write 1-2,000 Words Of Fiction Every Single Day Or They Will Never Amount To Anything. Your journal gives the lie to that and has been an inspiration to me every day since I started reading it. Thanks for keeping it as long as you have!
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - bosstweed - Mar. 2nd, 2005 02:02 am (UTC) - Expand
from_ashes
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:01 pm (UTC)
I hope you decide to keep the journal up. I've enjoyed reading your entries (about writing and other subjects).
resonantserpent
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
I have really enjoyed reading your journal, but I would rather you spend the time writing your books, short stories, etc.

I think the change could do you good. A personal journal doesn't bother me one bit, or make me feel like I'm wasting my time. An online journal seems to put my life into neat, little, electronic boxes and make me feel like my life is being catagorized instead of lived. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck.

Maybe you could post on the first of the month with any polls when you want to know what we think, and a heads up about what's coming down the pipe.

Thanks for taking it this far.
robyn_ma
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
You might wanna just treat the journal as a pressure valve, a place to vent or just talk about whatever movies you've seen lately, or whatever, in addition of course to news about your work (its stated purpose). In other words, not a chore or obligation, but a place where you can write stuff that isn't necessarily about what you're supposed to be writing. On the other hand, if you don't really enjoy it, there's no reason to continue with it. I do think, though, that maintaining at least some web presence can only help your sales and growth of readership.
greygirlbeast
Mar. 1st, 2005 05:33 pm (UTC)
do think, though, that maintaining at least some web presence can only help your sales and growth of readership.

This is almost certainly true. But lately it's felt like a very large investment for a very small return.
(no subject) - robyn_ma - Mar. 1st, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - forgottenbelief - Mar. 1st, 2005 10:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
asru
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
The decision is, of course, your own, and you should do whatever makes you feel best. I just wanted you to know that I enjoy reading it very much, and that it is nice to read at least one intelligent thing daily! I think that both Maureen and Robyn are right to suggest perhaps writing less often or using it as a non-book related journal, a way to keep in touch with distant friends, if it's taking up too much time.
Do you really feel that you get little gain in terms of sales from this journal? What makes you feel that way?
greygirlbeast
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC)
Do you really feel that you get little gain in terms of sales from this journal? What makes you feel that way?

I do, and I feel that way because, if my publisher is to be believed, my novel sales have not increased since I began keeping this journal in '01. It's possible that LJ/Blog has made me more successful with small press, and that's very nice, but, ultimately, it's Penguin that matters.
(no subject) - asru - Mar. 1st, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greygirlbeast - Mar. 1st, 2005 06:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - asru - Mar. 1st, 2005 08:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greygirlbeast - Mar. 1st, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - asru - Mar. 2nd, 2005 01:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greygirlbeast - Mar. 2nd, 2005 03:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - asru - Mar. 2nd, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greygirlbeast - Mar. 2nd, 2005 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
frankiemouse
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:37 pm (UTC)
let's try this one more time. this is my third attempt to post a comment but it keeps getting lost. i agree with robyn ma 100%. i hate to think that you view it as an obligation that you add a post every day. i love reading you post but i understand that it can eat up a lot of valuable time. if you could keep your lj as a relief valve, a place to offer tidbits on your current work(s), a place to vent when necessary, i think we'd all appreciate that. one entry a week or one a month would be enough to give us the information we need to encourage others to pick up a copy of your latest work. i hate to say this, but before finding your blog i don't remember hearing about you or your writings. i found your lj on the friends list of a blog that i accidentally found while searching the origins of a quote a few months ago. the writing in your blog is what really interested me in your books and i recently purchased a copy of "Threshold" and "Low Red Moon" because of it. i hope you can keep it.
greygirlbeast
Mar. 1st, 2005 06:52 pm (UTC)
i found your lj on the friends list of a blog that i accidentally found while searching the origins of a quote a few months ago. the writing in your blog is what really interested me in your books and i recently purchased a copy of "Threshold" and "Low Red Moon" because of it.

On the one hand, that's cool. On the other hand, it's my publisher's job to promote my books, or at least to help me do it. I'm glad that you found me via the blog. I'm very glad. But it seems to few people have to really matter.
setsuled
Mar. 1st, 2005 07:47 pm (UTC)
just that I fear part of this sickness arises from all the time I spend online, all the silly fretting over what people think of me and my writing.

Hmm. I'd wonder if being online is really the cause of those feelings and if staying offline would really help. Then again, I can fully understand wanting to go hermit.

Speaking as someone who used to update daily, I can say that I don't feel necessarily better or worse now than I did when I updated daily. But it is definitely a different feeling. Well, basically it was like going someplace different for meals. Ack, I'm too hungry to make a good analogy.

You're a nice alien lady to have around. I like your blog. I guess that's all I can really say . . .
greygirlbeast
Mar. 1st, 2005 07:53 pm (UTC)
Hmm. I'd wonder if being online is really the cause of those feelings and if staying offline would really help. Then again, I can fully understand wanting to go hermit.

I only said part of it may arise from this one cause. I have identified a number of other causes, most of them more significant. And actually, I'm thinking that spending less time online might lead to me socializing in the RW again. And it might not. Would stepping back from LJ/Blog cure the "sickness"? No. Definitely not. Might it help? I suspect it would.

You're a nice alien lady to have around. I like your blog.

Thank you. For the alien part, I mean.
faeprince
Mar. 1st, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC)
Whatever you choose to do with your Livejournal, I just want to say thanks for what you've already done. This may sound strange,but reading your journal has helped me through a rough part of my life,and I'm glad it was there for me. This is not an attempt to persuade you either way,I just wanted you to know that you have touched someone through this.
mockingbirdgrrl
Mar. 1st, 2005 10:23 pm (UTC)
a lady must do what a lady must do. personally, i enjoy the LJ, but it was always just an extra little nicety to me as i "discovered" your work thanks to the mention of "silk" in poppy z. brite's "the lazarus heart." so the journal's icing. but i'd certainly hate to think that there wouldn't be a place online to go to learn of signings, which cons/events you'll be attending, when new books are coming out, when i can preorder, etc. i'd say at the very least, keep us posted on the news of your career (please). whatever you decide, more power.
greygirlbeast
Mar. 2nd, 2005 12:02 am (UTC)
but i'd certainly hate to think that there wouldn't be a place online to go to learn of signings, which cons/events you'll be attending, when new books are coming out, when i can preorder, etc. i'd say at the very least, keep us posted on the news of your career (please). whatever you decide, more power.

Well, whatever happens here, there's still the website.
girfan
Mar. 2nd, 2005 12:18 am (UTC)
Obviously, it will be your decision to do what you want with this LJ.


I kind of hope you keep it as others here have mentioned.


I have learned so much more on here about you (not just about your writings) that is so interesting. I enjoy it when you talk about bones and insects and nature as well as seeing what music you are listening to.


And, reading all this adds other dimensions to the person I spent a small bit of time with in real life a few months ago. I'm secretly hoping that you continue posting tidbits of interest...but that's just me.

mapultoid
Mar. 2nd, 2005 03:29 am (UTC)
Caitlin,

Last week, on a whim, I signed off of Instant Messenger. For someone freshly out of college, whose communication with almost everyone he knows occurs through that medium, this was a big deal. I was just going to do it for a week, but I really liked it. I felt that IM was taking huge amounts of my time, the way that the television did before I unplugged it a year ago. I would just sit there at the computer all night, not doing Other Things.

And so I signed off. You know, it's good. It's nice. My friends miss me, but I have so much more... time. And the emotional drain is gone.

What I am saying is I would understand if you closed this journal down. I have enjoyed following you, following your writing and Spooky and your thoughts on Life, the Universe, and Everything. The peak behind the curtain has been nice, but I stick with you because of the big show: Low Red Moon, Silk, Threshold, &c.

Whatever you do, I can say at least this fan will support you. I already feel like you've given me more do enrich my life than most other human beings, it's all cake from here.


-Ben
mapultoid
Mar. 2nd, 2005 03:31 am (UTC)
Peek. The peek behind the curtain.

The peak behind the curtain would imply that you and I have a covert physical relationship that I shouldn't be discussing in a public forum.
(no subject) - greygirlbeast - Mar. 2nd, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 32 comments — Have your say! )