"Or if you wanna blow up moons."

A very sunny and warm day. Our high was 85F.

I continue to fight this idiotic, infuriating bout of depression. Night comes around and I feel better, and then every morning I wake and it's with me again. It's got this bullshit elliptical orbit through my mind, and it keeps me all but paralyzed. Or it makes me think that I am paralyzed. Tomorrow I am working, I do not care how disinterested in my continued existence I might be.

But it has exhausted me. I slept 4 hours last night, at most.

“To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart.” ~ Daniel Patrick Moynihan

“I have heard the languages of apocalypse, and now I shall embrace the silence.” ~ Neil Gaiman

Four fucking hours, filled with nightmares.

The afternoon's film was James Gunn's Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - yes, that movie is a decade old. And last night we did not go back to Interview with the Vampire. There was something in the description of the fifth episode, something like "Claudia goes to college." And Kathryn and I were both like, oh fuck this shit. So, instead, we watched the first five/sixths of David E. Kelley's adaptation of Tom Wolfe's A Man in Full, which was not even remotely disappointing. I just no longer have any time left whatsoever to intentionally spend on mediocrity.

Since all the dental work back on February 14th, my weight has gone from 163lbs to 177-178lbs. I was hoping to hit 180lbs by my birthday, so...I'm pretty much there. My clothes fith again.

Please visit the Dreaming Squid Sundries shop. As I scramble to get something written that someone will pay me for, this is one of the ways we are making ends meet.

Later Tater Beans,
Aunt Beast

3:11 p.m.
CatvonD vamp

“You remember the things you want to forget and forget the things you want to remember.”

Sunny today and a high of 84F.

Last night we finally had a look at the AMC Interview With the Vampire series. I went in with few expectations, one way or the other. And I loved the first two episodes. Really, truly wonderful stuff. The third episode isn't uite as good, but still very decent. And then...Claudia is introduced in the fourth episode and the whole thing goes off a cliff. A nightmare becomes slapstick. A grotesque self parody. And I get why Claudia is presented as fourteen, instead of five. But presenting a fourteen-year-old Claudia...and it's not just that it breaks something cricial to the character dynamics in the story, it's that the fourteen-year-old Claudia is handled so terribly. Somehow, it probably could have worked. I don't know if it was the actress, the director, or the writers...or all them colliding, but Jesus H., I've never seen something so promising implode so quickly. And from what we've read online today, lots of folks have had much the same reaction. So, I have trepidation about going farther, since Claudia isn't going away any time soon. Part of me just wants to take those first three episodes and leave it at that. I could write a very long entry about "The Problens With AMC's Claudia," and who the hell wants to read that? But. Yeah, I do not handle disappointment well.

But damn, those first two epsiodes. Wow. Plus, Eric Bogosian!

Anyway...please visit the Dreaming Squid Sundries shop. Thanks. I will hopefully have a more substantial entry tomorrow.

Later Tater Beans,
Aunt Beast

4:06 p.m.

"There’s no big apocalypse. Just an endless procession of little ones."

Mostly sunny today, but it just got very dark outside. Our high was 85F.

Yesterday I was much better and got some actual work done. Then I woke this morning and the depression was every bit as bad as it was two or three days ago. I have no idea why., I have far too many ideas why, and these things all smear together into a senseless blur, a great violent accretion disk.. I got almost nothing done today.

Fuck it all.

I did go to the market and p.o. with Spooky, and the constant reader (are any of those left?) know how extremely rare it has become for me to leave the safety of my cocoon and go anywhere. The sunlight and the green were nice, but everything else just sent the anxiety and depression into the deeper shades of red.

Oh, I did get to see a skink scaling the rocks out back.

Speaking of turning the big -0, the Amazon wishlist thing. If you're intersted. Or the shop, if you'd rather. Or hey, whatever. This place is free. No obligation. Hands free. Guilt free.

It got so dark Spooky's turning on the lights...

Later Tater Beans,
Aunt Beast

10:57 a.m.

"I'd rather joined that pirate ship than gone to Botany Bay."

Rainy all day, miserable weather, but at least we have not had anything like the apocalyptic wind that has been visited upon Houston. Our high was only 73F.

Today I bucked the depression enough to read through what's been written thus far on The Sun Always Shines On TV, and I can at least report I am relieved that it does not suck.

I finsihed reading Larry McMurtry's Lonesome Dove for the third or fourth time, then began reading his Dead Man's Walk for the second time. And the afternoon film was Tarantino's The Hateful Eight (2015).

Please visit the shop. And yes, I have a birthday wishlist at Amazon, if you've a mind to...

Later Tater Beans,
Aunt Beast

11:56 p.m. (last night)
Mars from Earth

"Hexadecimals to the rescue."

A sunny, warm day. Our high (so far) was 84F.

So, I'd finally started to feel as if maybe I could make some real progress in overcoming the entropic force of my depression. But then I missed yesterday afternoon's meds, and everything spun a little more out of control. I never, ever, fucking ever miss my meds. But I did yesterday afternoon. One result was I only slept three very fitful hours. All I managed to get today was writing flap copy for Bright Dear Star for Bill at SubPress. But given how much I hate writing flap copy, I might have done worse. I just have to do better tomorrow.

The afternoon's film was Ridley Scott's The Martian (2015). I greatly enjoy this film, even if it is clueless about the physics of Martian duststorms.

Today's photo, below, is a belated birthday shot of Selwyn, from yesterday. He says he had a pretty good birthday.

And, of course, I have one of those on the 26th, the terrifying -0 birthday. I do have an Amazon wishlist if anyone's so disposed. Distractions are always welcome.

And there's the shop. There is always the shop.

Later Tater Beans,
Aunt Beast

3:51 p.m.

"The detritus of a coming war."

Sunny today and warming again. The high 81.1F.

Nothing much has changed since yesterday, except that I'm trying a little harder. There's some weird nonsense with Amazon thinking SubPress doesn't have the rights to sell the ebook of The Ammonite Violin & Others (they do), and my agents are trying to work that out.

Today's is Selwyn's 12th birthday, though he did not come to live with us until August 4th (click for adorable kitten photo).

The afternoon's film was Christopher Nolan's Tenet (2020).

I'm not sure how much I slept, but I was up at 6 a.m.

Please visit the shop. You buy 'em, I sign 'em.

Aunt Beast

9:07 a.m. (an early birthday present)

"I'm just a little more used to Americans than he is."

Overcast, rainy, and then the sun began to come out. The high was 75.9F.

I am struggling to find my way out of the hole of fucking depression I began sliding into about a month ago. It reaches a point I can hardly even be bothered to open my eyes in the morning. It tends to get better late at night. Then there's another morning, another hateful morning. Nevermind the handful of pills I take every day to keep this shit at bay.

But I managed to do one thing today, and after the past four days, that feels like a triumph. Just one little thing. I send a new biography to the editor of Junk Merchants: Volume 2 (Nocturnicorn Books, Sacramento, California), a literary tribute to William S. Burroughs. It's reprinting one of my particularly Burroughs-inspired stories, "Ballad of a Catamite Revolver," and I am immensely flattered. Maybe tomorrow I can force myself to do two things.


This afternoon's film was Tarantino's superb Django Unchained (2012).

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand." ~ Sylvia PLath

Please visit the shop. I will sign and personalize any book you buy. Thank you.

Aunt Beast

11:00 a.m.
Mars in space.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

A violent morning of rain and wind. But the afternoon calmed, and now we have some sun. Still, the high was only 70F.

There simply isn't anything I can think of to write in this entry, and it I did think of something, I doubt it would be worth the trouble.

The afteroon's movie was Christopher Nolan's Interstellar (2014).

Please visit the Dreaming Squid Sundries shop. I'll sign and personalize any book you buy.

Aunt Beast

12:35 p.m.